Ah, Five Guys. The legendary chain renowned for their robust burgers and heaps of fries. But did you ever wonder if there’s more lurking behind those buns than you bargained for?
In the spirit of friendly banter (and just a touch of satire), let’s deep-dive into the real reasons why you might reconsider your next Five Guys pit stop.
A Brief and Gloriously Fried History:
Five Guys, hailing from the vibrant ’80s, sprung from Arlington, Virginia. The Murrell family, tired of typical takeout, decided to revolutionize the burger scene.
Naming the chain after the five Murrell brothers (sorry, no clandestine backroom conspiracies here), Five Guys quickly became the spot to get premium burgers and fries.
Their unabashed commitment to quality ingredients and simple menu set them apart, propelling them to fast-food fame.
Now, Onto the Burger Blunders:
1. Calorie Overkill:
Did you know the word ‘calorie’ originated from the Latin term “calor”, meaning heat? At Five Guys, they’ve taken that quite literally. You’re consuming enough calories to fuel a small jet with one of their regular burgers and a side of fries.
Okay, maybe not literally, but your waistline might start requesting a runway for landing!
These burgers have the potential to reach an entire single-day caloric intake in one meal.
2. Potato Avalanche:
Ask for a small fries and what do you get? An overzealous bag overflowing with more potatoes than Idaho can grow in a year. We get it, Five Guys, you love us. But maybe not every emotion needs to be expressed via fries?
Here’s the problem…we can’t stop eating them.
3. Decision Fatigue:
Their menu touts a promise: “250,000 possible ways to order a burger at Five Guys.” While that’s commendable, sometimes one just wants a simple burger without diving deep into existential culinary questions.
Do I want my burger with onions, without, or perhaps from a parallel dimension where onions are the global currency?
Five Guys has got you covered!
4. The Peanut Gallery:
Literally. Barrels of peanuts greet you at the door.
While some might see this as a nutty version of Willy Wonka’s factory, others with allergies might feel they’ve entered a culinary minefield. Navigating the place becomes less about burgers and more about evading legume booby traps.
5. Pricey Perfection:
Sure, you’re paying for top-tier ingredients. But sometimes, after you’ve handed over what feels like a pirate’s treasure for a burger, you can’t help but feel that Jack Sparrow might swing in demanding his gold doubloons back.
While Five Guys has a cult following and, admittedly, delivers deliciousness in spades, there are a few quirks and quibbles that make it stand out in the fast-food world.
And though this article is all in jest, one can’t deny the sheer passion and commitment the brand brings to the table. So the next time you’re at Five Guys, remember to laugh a little, enjoy your burger mountain, and maybe, just maybe, skip the fries (or share with the entire city block).
Discover the Best Free Camping Across the USA
To be honest with you, we hate paying for camping. There are so many free campsites in America (with complete privacy).
You should give it a try!
As a matter of fact, these free campsites are yours. Every time you pay federal taxes, you’re contributing to these lands.
Become a FREE CAMPING INSIDER and join the 100,000 campers who love to score the best site!
We’ll send you the 50 Best Free Campsites in the USA (one per state). Access the list by submitting your email below: